The Thing
Stars: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Eric Christian Olsen
Director: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.
2011
John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favourite movies of all time, and one that I consider almost flawless in execution. So imagine my joy when the Hollywood recycling machine announced they were doing another version of it. Not much joy. Though the filmmakers went to great pains to advertise this as a “prequel and not a remake”, rest assured it’s definitely a remake. Sure, it takes place before the events of the Carpenter film and explains the story of what happened to those crazy Swedes, but so what. No matter how they try to spin it the story is the same (alien shapeshifter rampages through Antarctic base) and to rub salt in the wound certain scenes are stolen wholesale from the 1982 version. And surely if it was actually a proper prequel, they would have given it a new, different title? Like Rise Of The Thing, The Thing: Origins or even The Thing: The Official Cash-In Prequel? This being a millennium update for gore-hungry hordes of stoned teens, of course it’s packed full of unnecessary CGI, dumbed-down dialogue, simplified plot and ridiculous jump scares. All the slowburn tension, interpersonal angst and paranoia of the superlative Carpenter version has been summarily jettisoned, now it’s full-tilt videogame stupidity as dumbasses walk into darkened rooms in order to be eviscerated and/or assimilated, and other dumbasses squirt flamethrowers all around the place in gung-ho fiery showdowns with the thing. Spaz appeal stuff all the way. The creature itself is fully onscreen all the time, and looks utterly feeble. Like it was computer-animated by a ten year old for a school project. Rather than lurking in the shadows in order to leave something to the viewers imagination, the alien wanders around in full light so we can see how crappy it looks and transforms into various icky forms right in front of its cowering victims before attacking them with melty faces and razor-whip tentacles. It does this for no good reason of course, other than to keep the audience ohhing, ahhing and ewwing. Also, the way it escapes from the block of ice has to be seen to be believed – truly laughable. Perhaps surprisingly, I didn’t hate this as much as I was expecting to, but I’m putting that down to the fact that Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in it and I was blinded by lust. Otherwise, this is a total waste of time – no thrills, no chills, no heart.
3/10
