Conan The Barbarian
Stars: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan, Ron Perlman
Director: Marcus Nispel
2011
It’s because of atrocities like this that I don’t watch new release movies anymore. Yet another stone classic retooled for retards, with all the heart and poetry of the original sucked out and replaced with hypersonic CGI visuals and a moronic magical plot reminiscent of a lesser episode of Xena: Warrior Princess. Oaken oaf Jason Momoa is horrific as Conan, delivering smouldering looks to camera from beneath his Klingon-esque forehead, flipping his long moussed locks like Kip Winger circa 1989 and attempting to add gravel to his voice only to have it crack at inopportune times like an adolescent boy’s. The dude’s buff enough, but his general air is of male model, not badass barbarian. Being forced to deliver ridiculously banal dialogue and modern throwaway lines like “Not bad!” doesn’t help either. The Stone/Milius script of the 1982 original was of such quality and depth that it made even a non-actor like Schwarzenegger sound impressive. Not so here – the screenplay doesn’t even attempt the original’s thoughtfulness and mythology, it expounds just enough to keep the plethora of peripheral characters moving along with Conan to the next fight scene. And for the faithful, there are plenty of fight scenes. Plenty of stupid, pointless fight scenes laced with slow motion and computerised blood splashes. And spooky sand warriors and giant octopuses. Accordingly, there is no shortage of limb-lopping and sundry other bodily mutilations, but it’s hard to get hard over carnage that looks so obviously fake. Final scene where Conan roars like a high school jock watching a football game is the final ignominy to two hours of idiocy. A disgrace.
2/10
